Months One through Four

Somehow - and I just don't know how - I'm already more than four months of the way through this pregnancy journey. I'm so much busier this time around, with a more demanding job and a very demanding toddler, that I don't have as much time to *ahem* navel gaze over myself and my pregnancy. I knew things would be different the second time around, but the differences have been remarkable. For instance:

• No photos. Seriously, we haven't taken a single "bump photo" this pregnancy. Not one. We've missed every stage from plum, peach, and lemon to orange, avocado, and pear! We seriously confused E about the baby when trying to explain its size according to fruit ("Baby is like a lellow lemon? Daddy, our baby is going to be lellow!"), so I knew we wouldn't repeat the fruit photos. That said, it's crazy (and fairly guilt-inducing) that we haven't snapped so much as a shot. We did get a few photos on vacation recently, so there's something from the early days...

• No rest. I thought I was tired last time. I talked about being tired a lot. The sheer exhaustion I feel this time, though, is indescribable. The incessant demands of keeping up with a busy, daring, and very cunning 2.5-year-old do not leave much time for me to, you know, rest. Or sit down. Ever. That said, when I rock E before bed at night, she loves nothing more than to snuggle with "our baby," tell it about her day, and singsong sweet nothings to her little brother or sister. My heart nearly bursts multiple times each day with love for my firstborn and the promise of  a lifetime of such delicious sibling moments.

• No uncontrollable craving for sweets. Last pregnancy I wanted carbs - refined carbs - in any form and as often as possible. Meat, fish, eggs and many vegetables were among the most repulsive foods I could fathom. This time I just want meat and vegetables. My desire for meat is rather indiscriminate. Any meat will do, though red is best. The vegetable craving is more specific, though not in the ingredient so much as the preparation. I want raw, shaved vegetables tossed with lemon juice, olive oil, salt & pepper. Green salads will do, and really green leafy vegetables in any form are just generally a delight to me right now, but my heart lies with my tangy, acidic shaved raw vegetables salads. Also, french fries. I really, really craved french fries during the first trimester. That has calmed down now, thankfully! Here are a few of my favorite meals of late:

So those are a few differences this time around, but some things feel so darn similar: 

• Hearing the swift and solid heartbeat at my monthly appointments. 
• Feeling those first wiggly, ticklish movements deep inside, then delighting as they grow stronger and more consistent over time. 
• Waiting with nervous anticipation at our nuchal translucency test, then feeling relief, joy, and awe (and tears!) at the sight of our perfectly healthy little 13-week-old babe bouncing and squirming away on the ultrasound screen. 
  
• Having the ultrasound tech guess at the gender at that same ultrasound and - again - keeping that guess a secret until we know for sure in a few weeks. 
• Seeing people who haven't heard our news do double-takes when they see me in the hallways at work. 
• Wincing in anticipation when I step on the scale at the OB (+6 pounds by 17 weeks this go-around). 
• Snuggling in with my giant u-shaped body pillow every night. 
• Feeling the familiar ache of my pelvis spreading to make room for the life taking root inside (and shopping for a support belt to hopefully alleviate the worst of the pain I endured last time). 
• Finding myself resting my hands on or rubbing my burgeoning belly. 
• Feeling the love and excitement I have for this new life growing every day. Imagining what the future will hold, what our baby will be called, how our lives will be different, the sweet moments and memories we'll make together. 

The magic and anticipation of this time is just as sweet as it was when we were expecting E, and in some ways, even sweeter now that we're sharing this experience with her. We can't wait to know you, Baby B #2!

Here We Go Again!

I read once that you should never apologize in a blog post for a long hiatus from writing. I don't know whether that's true for a 20-month hiatus, but alas, no apologies here... just jumping right back into the swing of things.

R and I decided after E was born that we were a "one and done" family. We were adamant, and not falsely so - we really believed this was the family we were meant to have. The infertility struggles and treatments we endured, my discomfort during the late part of my pregnancy, my extremely challenging labor & delivery, our utter satisfaction with our one perfect and beautiful child... why would we do it all again when we were finally on "the good side" of the journey?

But then E started growing out of her clothes and I cried when boxing them up. I suggested giving them to friends with little girls younger than E, but R resisted... "just in case." When she turned one and rocketed out of the sweet baby phase and into busy, independent toddlerhood, I started to feel an achy longing for a baby in my arms. We talked for months about maybe possibly considering perhaps thinking about having one more child. One more try at pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting a new and different person than E. We talked about what it would mean for the life we had planned as a family of three - the changes and sacrifices it would entail from the tidy little vision we'd crafted. The more we talked, the less we wavered, until one day we both agreed that we wanted to take the leap.

Taking the leap for us, given my PCOS, meant jumping back into the fray with our reproductive endocrinologist and starting fertility treatments again. I blogged the details elsewhere for posterity's sake, so won't go into it here. Suffice it to say we didn't luck out with the first treatment cycle in trying for our second child, as we did with our first, but eventually we ended up with the good news for which we hoped.

Due to the uncertainty of any new pregnancy - but especially those stemming from fertility treatments - we kept the news close to ourselves and waited through several early tests on pins and needles. We've seen the pictures at 6 and 13 weeks, we've passed the tests and heard the heartbeat, and we've made it safely through the risky first trimester and stand here at 14 weeks, 1 day excited, hopeful, and eager for what's to come. Join us, if you'd like, for the road ahead as we journey from life as a family of three to a family of four.